I Don't Keep the Best Tabs on Myself
I'm not really an asshole, I just play one on TV.
-
My Mom and Sister Walked in on me and my Friend Having Sex:
They just laughed and threw a puppy on my bed. The puppy started going for a condom under my pillow so I rolled over some to stop the puppy from getting to it and eating it. In the process, I accidentally put some pressure on the dogs stomach AND THE LITTLE BASTARD PISSES ON MY BED!
-
I just found out my mother buys her tooth brushes at Goodwill
-
I found this at the mall.
-
Catholic Nun: No Exceptions
-
My sister and seventy something year old grandmother just had dinner at the Tilted Kilt. They both want to go back.
-
Me Post Wisdom Tooth removal
- Dentist: Are you doing okay?
- Me: Put me back under, that was great.
- Dentist: Nope. Can't do that. [Leaves me with his staff]
- Me: I want my teeth -- they're for an art project.
- Staff: We can't, it would be illegal.
- Me: I need them!
- Staff: [Looks at me strangely]
- Me: You don't understand. I need to glue them onto a bird so I can have a bird with teeth!
- Staff: [Silent stares]
- Me: Bird with teeth!
- Staff: We're sorry, we can't do that. You should try eBay.
- Me: I actually have -- can't you just leave them on the counter so I could "find" them?
- Staff: Nope. eBay it.
- Me: Are you going to sell my teeth on eBay?
- Staff: No, we're not going to sell your teeth.
- Me: Does he get spray tans? [Referencing the dentist's dark skin tone]
- Staff: [Leaves]
- Me: Bird with teeth!
-
Screw politics; I’ll be a social worker.
-
I found an unnatural number of salt crystals on my scalp last night. No idea what happened.
-
Good job Maggie! Follow her example and show your support guys! #BaldforBieber
-
I have plans to request a bunch of two dollar bills at the bank and use them to terrorize the town, and by town, I mean the cranky lady who I buy tickets from at the train station who I’ve been threatening with the notion of paying in two dollar bills for the last two months.
